Ramadan Joke from Hayfa

Thank you, Hayfa!

Michael and Mohammed

Two guys lost in the Sahara desert, one is David and the other is Michael.. They were dying of hunger and thirst when they suddenly came upon an oasis, with what looked like an emirates with a mosque in the middle..

David said to Michael: “look, let’s pretend we’re Muslim, otherwise we’ll not get any food or drink. I’m going to call myself “Mohammed”. Michael refused to change his name, he said: “My name is Michael,and I won’t pretend to be other than but what I am…Michael”..

The Imam of the mosque received both well and asked about their names, David said: “my name is Mohammed” Michael said: “my name is Michael” The Imam turned to the helpers of the mosque and said:

“Please bring some food and water for Michael only”

Then he turned to the other and said: “Marhaba Mohammed, Ramadan Kareem”…!!

Thelma and Louise in Saudi Arabia

An editorial cartoon from my friend Grammy, in Texas, from today’s paper:

Groaners (Truly clever puns)

Thank you Grammy, for sharing these! AdventureMan will love them!

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss
league records were destroyed in a fire, and so we’ll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

*

A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted, “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!”
The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”

*

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly
stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with…
transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

*

Back in the 1800′s the Tate’s Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products, and since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses. The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, … “He who has-a-Tate’s is lost!”

*

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

*

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, “The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.”

*

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely, saying,
“I must have taken Leif off my census.”

*

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that …
the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

*

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal Brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the Brujo looked him in the eye and said, “Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don’t need enemas.”

*

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great
possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, “I’ll give you 100,000 dinars for it”.

“But I paid a million dinars for it,” the King protested. “Don’t you know who I am? I am the king!”

Croesus replied, “When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.”

Irish Jokes for St. Patrick’s Day

Thanks to an e-mail friend with the BEST jokes!

Gotta Love the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!”

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

+ + + +
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do, Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” the man replied.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

+ + + +
Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians. ” Then he’d allow the traffic to pass.

He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, “Pedestrians! ” for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

+ + + +
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”

“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”

+ + +
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water,” says the priest.

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

+ + + +
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.”

“Oh yeah?” said Charlie , “And how did this one end?”

“When it was over,” Mike replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really,” said Charles, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?”

She said, “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.”

+ + + +
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

Patton said, “Why you say such a mean thing?”

“Well,” Kathleen said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly …… it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Husbands are Husbands

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the Head with a frying pan.
‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

The wife replied ‘That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket’.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

3 days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him on the head and the man asked ‘What was that for? Why did u hit me again.?’

The wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned!!’

Starting Monday with a Blonde Joke

An old, blind cowboy
wanders into an all-girl biker bar by
mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders
some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the waiter: “Hey, you wanna’ hear a
blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to
him says: “Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I
think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a
baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman
with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and
a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a
professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister…., do you
still want to tell that joke?”

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his
head, and mutters,

“No, not if
I’m gonna have to explain it five
times.”

Joke for Women

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his
parents began to yell and scream, ‘Where did you get that truck???!!!’

He calmly told them, ‘I bought it today.’

‘With what money?’ demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet
Avalanche cost.

‘Well,’ said the boy, ‘this one cost me just fifteen dollars.’ So the
parents began to yell even louder. ‘Who would sell a truck like that for
fifteen dollars?’ they said.

‘It was the lady up the street,’ said the boy. I don’t know her name -
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I
wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars.’

‘Oh my Goodness!,’ moaned the mother, ‘she must be a child abuser. Who knows
what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going
on.’ So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady
lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new
Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

‘Well,’ she said, ‘this morning I got a phone call from my husband.. (I
thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off
to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back)

He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new
Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money.

So I did.’

(Are women good or what?)

If You Thought the Last Joke Was Bad . . .

This one might qualify as the WORST:

Potatoes…

Well, A Girl Potato and A Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out west in the USA, they told her to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University) so when she graduated she’d really be in the chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!!!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just…well he’s just a…

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

*

*
*

OK! Here it is!

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A COMMONTATER !!!

Thank you, KitKat (Really Bad Joke)

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea
One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian, ‘I’m fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.’

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, ‘Your wish is granted’
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn’t realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold,
he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail – it’s much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn’t see his old pal.

‘Where’s Kristian?’ he asked.

‘He’s at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark’, came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Kristian’s abode.

As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, ‘It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.’

Kristian replied, ‘No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy,
and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.’

Justin cried back ‘No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed.’………

.
.

.
.
.
.
.
‘I’ve found Cod. I’m a
Prawn again Kristian’

Iranian Joke

Sent to me by my good friend – it’s an Iranian joke:

What’s the difference between the USA and Iran ?

In the USA , they have Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope, Johnny Cash…

In Iran , we have Ahmadinejad, no wonder, no hope, no cash…