Here There and Everywhere

Expat wanderer

Is He a Keeper?

I found this today in the AOL Life coaching section. It is worth a read if you are experiencing any doubts whether to remain in a relationship or to leave.

1. Is he interested? When you first meet him, you should feel that he wants you. It may be conveyed by a look, a touch, a compliment or attention to detail. It should be backed up by his willingness to make a plan and move the relationship forward. Constant calling, e-mailing and text-messaging is not true contact since he cannot touch you, see you, adore you or get to know you.

2. Is he accomplished? Soon after meeting him, you will discover that he has appropriately achieved in at least one area of his life. If he went to college he now has a good job. If he inherited his parents’ business, he has learned how to successfully manage it. His efforts continue to generate new opportunities, new skills, new challenges or new possessions.

3. Is he a Stand-Up Guy? He says what he means and means what he says. And the words that he speaks are backed up by action that coincides. Even if he cannot give a guarantee, the relationship is always moving forward. Thus, you will never find yourself drunk-dialing at 2AM because you fear he is out with another girl.

4. Is he Into YOU? It will feel reciprocal and mutual. Do you feel that what he gives is as valuable and meaningful as what you offer? Is he as devoted to you as you are to him? Healthy relationships are based upon mutual give and take. If the only thing that you are getting out of this relationship is text messages, e-mails or occasional plans, you are not getting what you need.

5. Is He Consistent? He will have good friends and you will like who he is when he’s with them. You are confident that he is the man you know and love whether he’s with you or apart from you. When he’s out of sight, he does not turn into somebody else. Conversely, when you include him with your friends, you know who he will be — charming and engaging, enhancing instead of detracting.

6. Is He Understanding? He will like you for who you are. Even if you have a bad day or say something that he does not like, his adoration will remain steady and his view of you will remain the same. Beware of the guy whose perception changes whenever you deviate from his expectations. You should not feel that you must suppress your personality in order to hold onto his approval.

7. Is he Judgemental? He will never view you as unconditionally bad or make you feel terrible about yourself. Even in the midst of an argument, he will be able to see both the good and the bad in you. He will not stay mad at you once the argument is over. And he will move on instead of clinging to bad feelings or suspicions. He loves you and sees you as a good person, no matter what.

8. Is he Trusting? If he is right for you, he will tolerate the unexpected and the unknown because he trusts you. He will not pin you down or put a leash on you every moment of the day in order to feel secure. Instead, he will respect your boundaries and give you the privacy and independence you deserve. Conversely, he will not block you out or use distance to keep the upper hand.

9. Is He Willing to Talk? He has a learning curve. He is willing to learn from his mistakes and to modify his actions. For instance, if he begins a friendship with a flirtatious girl and you let him know that this is creating a problem, he will be concerned about your feelings and come up with a solution. When you discuss relationship obstacles, he works on them.

10. Is he Proactive? He will seek his own solutions. If he has a problem he will reach out to others for help, find resources, have a conversation, go to therapy, attend a 12-step program — anything that will move him closer to making the changes that he needs to make. Pride, laziness or stubbornness will not keep him from taking the steps that he needs to have a relationship with you.

11. Is He Controlling? He will not try to have power over you. He won’t leave you wondering where he is and what he is doing. Or leave you hanging just to prove a point. Even if he has more money, status and power, he will not make you feel that you would be nothing without him. He is willing to listen, meet your needs and include you in mutual decision making.

My comment: I agree with all of the above, especially Is he Controlling? Some women see a man who wants to know where she is at every moment and who she is with as charmingly caring . . .but these men can be monsters in a relationship, and the caring turns to suspicions and isolating the loved one.

Number nine is kind of funny – most men need some time to think about things before they are ready to talk, and as hard as it is, we need to give them some space before trying to have one of those “we need to talk” conversations! 😉

If you have brothers, they are good people to ask about Is He a StandUp Guy? A brother can often sense things about another guy that they can warn you about – and may hear things about him in the male grapevine that you will never hear. If your brother, or good male friend warn you off, LISTEN!

These guidelines are excerpted by AOL from ‘Deal Breakers: When to Work on a Relationship and When to Walk Away’ by Dr. Bethany Marshall. Copyright © 2007 by Dr. Bethany Marshall.

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Available for $15.61 + shipping from Amazon.com.

April 15, 2007 - Posted by | Books, Community, Cross Cultural, Family Issues, Marriage, Mating Behavior, Relationships, Uncategorized, Women's Issues

11 Comments »

  1. This should be taught in school !!
    by the way, i am very uncomfortable with the illistration on the cover 😛

    Comment by Abdulaziz | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  2. Oh! Abdulaziz! You gave me an unexpected giggle! I can appreciate why it would make a man uncomfortable. I am guessing the intention is to help less confident women feel more empowered.

    Which cover did you like the least, this cover or Porn for Women?

    Comment by intlxpatr | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  3. well to tell you the truth neither appealed to me.. however this makes no difference since both books target women “which im not”…
    Your post on porn for women,,was how can i say , something i had never known before . i really thought that bare skinned men were a turn onn but men doing work at home ?! this was something new to me ,, you have made me a bit wiser and more knowledgeable ,, ” you should demand a charge for this!! ;)”

    Comment by Abdulaziz | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  4. My friend Abdulaziz, was not the Prophet Mohammed kind to women? It seems to me that Khadija CHOSE him because he was helpful and a good partner to her? And did he not say to speak to your wife with soft words? I don’t think this is anything new 😉 so I can’t charge.

    And you’re right, the two books are more aimed towards women, but most of the people I “meet” in the blogging world are people who like seeing things from a new point of view – and learning new ways of thinking. I know it is true for me.

    Pick up the vacuum sometime, and look at your wife’s face. It’s a challenge!

    Comment by intlxpatr | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  5. inshalla !! hehe

    Comment by Abdulaziz | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  6. By the way, i have another idea !
    i was thinking instead of vacuuming at home and since its a turn on ! i might take a vacuum cleaner and go do some vacuuming at Marina mall.. that should get all the babes’ attention 😉

    Comment by Abdulaziz | April 15, 2007 | Reply

  7. Ummmm. . . Abdulaziz, this is about RELATIONSHIPS! Babe-magnets at home! Men who have compassion for their wifes, love having time with their families, who know and love their children, even – men who cook!

    Being a hit at the Marina Mall calls for a whole new tool-box, geared to relationships which may list for minutes. You will want to be very trendy, expensively dressed, and body toned at the gym. It helps to be in your teens.

    Comment by intlxpatr | April 16, 2007 | Reply

  8. LOL @ Abdulaziz MEN!

    This should be a gift from every parent to his/her daughter.

    Comment by Elijah | April 16, 2007 | Reply

  9. Elijah – I love your idea!

    Comment by intlxpatr | April 16, 2007 | Reply

  10. It was a joke !
    dont take all my words seriously dear.

    Comment by Abdulaziz | April 16, 2007 | Reply

  11. Hee heeeeee! oh Abdulaziz, please tell me you are taking your vacuum to the Marina Mall this weekend! LLLLLOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

    Comment by intlxpatr | April 16, 2007 | Reply


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