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Expat wanderer

Some Misery Unavoidable

Accepting the bad times could make for a happy marriage
From BBC Health News

The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times are unavoidable, experts say.

Therapists from California State University, Northridge and Virginia Tech say accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection.

And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible.

The report was published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy.

The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a “myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering.”

And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation.

“The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of “mental health,” which implies a state without suffering,” they say.

Potentially damaging

But this belief can eventually cause people to believe that with enough effort they can eliminate suffering.

And experts say this is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed.

Jan Parker of the Association of Family Therapy said: “The authors are right to point out that the pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging.”

She said it was important to explore what people mean by a happy and healthy relationship, because nobody’s life or relationship can be in a permanent state of happiness – there will always be more difficult times.

She said couples need to build strengths, such as understanding, in their relationships to help them cope in these hard times and appreciate the good times.

Mrs Nadine Field, a consultant psychologist, said it was a “fantasy” that any relationship could be perfect and that striving for such an impossible state could lead to bitter disappointment.

She said this disappointment could then cause people to focus on the negative aspects of a relationship, and lead to more disappointment and resentment.

She said: “People need to try to understand their partners through communication, rather than demanding perfection of them.”

Read the rest of the article here.

June 3, 2007 - Posted by | Communication, Cross Cultural, Family Issues, Living Conditions, Marriage, Mating Behavior, Relationships, Women's Issues


  1. WOW that’s so insightful. Thanks Intelxpatr!

    Comment by 1001 Kuwaiti Nights | June 3, 2007 | Reply

  2. I can’t take any credit for their insights, Zin, except to agree that if you are going to be in a relationship for a long time, there is probably going to be a miserable time or two or three . . .;-)

    My roommate back in college put it so crudely: “You gotta take the Sh#t with the Sugar.”

    Comment by intlxpatr | June 3, 2007 | Reply

  3. Now your roomate’s quote…THAT’s insighful! 😀

    Comment by 1001 Kuwaiti Nights | June 4, 2007 | Reply

  4. She had a way with words, that’s for sure! So much more colorful that you gotta take the bad with the good. I’ve never forgotten it ;-(

    Comment by intlxpatr | June 4, 2007 | Reply

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