Here There and Everywhere

Expat wanderer

Irish Jokes for St. Patrick’s Day


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting
and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, ‘Lord take pity
on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the
rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!’

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, ‘Never mind, I found one.’


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, ‘Do
you want to go to heaven?’

The man said, ‘I do, Father.’

The priest said, ‘Then stand over there against the wall.’

Then the priest asked the second man, ‘Do you want to go to heaven?’ ‘Certainly,
Father,’ the man replied.

‘Then stand over there against the wall,’ said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and asked, ‘Do you want to go to

O’Toole said, ‘No, I don’t Father.’

The priest said, ‘I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don’t want to go to heaven?’

O’Toole said, ‘Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together
to go right now.’


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’


An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then
sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’


Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy,
Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the
banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey
bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the
hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to
quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he
could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way
to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and
Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, ‘You were drunk again last night weren’t you?’

Patton said, ‘Why you say such a mean thing?’

‘Well,’ Kathleen said, ‘it could be the open front door, it could be the broken
glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing
through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ……. it’s all
those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

March 17, 2011 - Posted by | Cultural, Humor, Ireland


  1. Thank you, my friend, from one who is one fourth Irish. I loved these, especially the last on! Hope you have your green on today and wish you the luck o’ the Irish!

    Comment by ctothwill | March 17, 2011 | Reply

  2. Top o’ the morning’ to you, Momcat!

    Comment by intlxpatr | March 17, 2011 | Reply

  3. You truly saved the best for last. Loved it, hilarious one 😀

    Comment by Touché | March 18, 2011 | Reply

  4. G’morning, Touche’, I understand it is still cool and winter-y in Kuwait these days?

    Comment by intlxpatr | March 19, 2011 | Reply

  5. Not anymore, summer has revealed itself starting yesterday, and winter gave us the most memorable farewell with rejuvenating sprinkles and showers for almost a full week.

    Comment by Touché | March 20, 2011 | Reply

  6. Oh wow! Showers at this time of the year! Good for one last gasp of the tomatoes!

    Comment by intlxpatr | March 20, 2011 | Reply

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