Here There and Everywhere

Expat wanderer

I am an internet fraudsters and a terrorist (suicide bomber)???

Holy Smokes! The head of the FBI writing to me! Accusing me of internet fraud and terrorism (suicide bomber)! All I have to do is wire my service fee to Cletus in Nigeria and all will be well and my record will be cleared. Only $98.00, such a small, reasonable fee to prevent all this mayhem. (LOOOLLL!)

Scammers: Grammar! Usage! Craftsmanship! You can do so much better than this!

Anti-Terrorist and Monetary Crimes Division
Federal Bureau of Investigation
FBI Headquarters in Washington, D.C.
J. Edgar Hoover Building,
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C. 20535-0001

Attention: Beneficiary

This is the final warning you will receive from me. This notice has been sent to
you several times but you ignored it.

I have warned you so many times and you decided to ignore my e-mails because you
believe we have not been instructed to get you arrested, if you fail comply this
time around, then we will first of all send a letter to the MAYOR of the city
where you reside and also instruct the bank to close your account until you
comply with our directives. Note that all your properties will be confiscated by
the Federal Bureau of Investigation. We would also send a letter to the
company/organization where you work and instruct them to issue you a “SACK
LETTER” because a suspect is not supposed to be working for the government or
any private organization.

From our investigations, we discovered that you were the person that forwarded
your identification to internet fraudsters in Nigeria and other countries when
they had a deal with you in regards to the transfer of some illegal funds into
your bank account which is valued at the sum of $10,500,000.00 only. Your ID
which we have in our database has been sent to all the crimes agencies in
America for them to upload you in their website as an internet fraudsters and a
terrorist (suicide bomber). I will also warn people to stop having any dealing
or friendly communication with you anymore. This would have been solved all this

I, ROBERT S. MUELLER III, Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
wish to inform you that there is no more time left to waste because you have
been given enough grace, therefore you have been mandated to comply immediately
you read this e-mail if you don’t want to be arrested. As stated earlier, to
have the document endorsed and sealed without any delay, you must adhere to this
directives to avoid you from blaming yourself at last when we must have arrested
and sentenced you to life imprisonment. Note that all your properties will be
seized and bank account will be confiscated too.

However, I have decided to see how I can be of help to you because I will not be
happy to see you end up in jail and all your properties got confiscated because
your information was used to carry out fraudulent transactions. I called the
EFCC NIGERIA and they directed me to a qualified attorney who can help you get
the process done and when I called the atorney he told me that he will go to the
bank and sign the documents on your behalf and put his “SEAL” on those documents
at the sum of $98 service fee and I believe this process is cheaper for you. Be
informed that I pleaded on your behalf to the board of directors of this agency
to give you till 08/20/2013 to make the payment. Bear it in mind that this is
the only way that I can be able to help you at this juncture. But if you fail to
comply, you will find yourself in a severe field of dilemma.

You need to try as much as you can to send the money today because I have been
informed by the ARREST WARRANT ISSUANCE DEPARTMENT that the warrant of arrest
has been prepared against you and once is being signed by me as the FBI
DIRECTOR, then the arrest will be carried out if you fail to send the money
within the given deadline and we shall apply for litigation against you
immediately. Thereafter, you will appear before the ADMINISTRATIVE DISTRICT
COURT OF WASHINGTON D.C for terrorism, money laundering and drug trafficking
charges. I believe you know that it will be a shameful thing to you and your
entire family. Also it will be announced and published in all the local channels
and newspapers that you are wanted by the FBI. Therefore, you are advised to
make the payment for the signing of the documents immediately you read this
e-mail. Be warned, we are monitoring you from our satellite.

You will have to make the payment through western union money transfer with the
below information then Send the payment details to me as stated below.


Do not hesitate to make the payment today with the above outlined information so
that the attorney will go to the paying bank and have all the necessary transfer
documents endorsed on your behalf as soon as you send the money. After all this
process is being carried out, then the transfer of your funds valued at
$10,500,000.00 only which should have been transferred to your bank account
before legally will now take place legitimately and hitchlessly.

Note: As you can see below, all the crimes agencies have been contacted on this
regard and we shall trace and arrest you if you disregard or ignore this
instructions. You have been given a grace till 08/20/2013 to make the payment
for the attorney to endorse the necessary transfer documents on your behalf and
put his “SEAL” on it.

Expecting your anticipated co-operation. You can also contact me here.

Yours in service,

Robert S. Mueller III
FBI Director

CC: Canadian Police Association
CC: Central Intelligence Agency (CIA)
CC: Asia Pacific Group on Money Laundering (APG)
CC: Egmont Group
CC: European Bank for Reconstruction and Development (EBRD)
CC: Financial Action Task Force (FATF)
CC: International Monetary Fund (IMF)
CC: International Organization of Securities Commissions (IOSCO)
CC: International Banking Security Association (IBSA)
CC: International Air Transport Association (IATA)
CC: Institute de Formation Interbancaire (INSIG)
CC: World Customs Organization (WCO)
CC: Inter-American Development Bank (IADB)
CC: Offshore Group of Banking Supervisors (OGBS)

August 14, 2013 Posted by | Africa, Crime, Cultural, Financial Issues, Law and Order, Scams | , | 2 Comments

First, just pay this Small Fee . . .

LOL, wouldn’t you think he would address this to me by name, instead of beneficiary? And I am willing to bet that his charge of $85.99 is just the beginning . . .

From: Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, Finance Minister of The Federal Republic of Nigeria

Your Ref……………

Dear Beneficiary,

I wish to inform you again that we are not playing over this. I know my reason
for the continuous sending of this notification to you. The fact is that you
can’t seem to trust anyone again over this payment for what you have been in
cantered in the past, but I want you to trust me because I cannot scam you for
$85.99 it is for bank processing of your payment. The fee of $85.99 is for your
service, I did not invent it to defraud you. It is an official bank payment
processing fee and the good part of this is that you will never be disturbed
again over any kind of payment. This is the final as there is no unforeseen fees
and the forms will become effective once we submit your payment application
processing fee and pay the form fee of $85.99 only. I don’t want you to lose
this fund this time because you may never get another such good opportunity
again. The federal government is keen and very determined to pay your overdue
debts, this is not a fluke. I would not want you to lose this fund out of ignorance. I wil

Receiver’s Name: Uzoukwu Cletus
Address: Lagos, Nigeria
Test Question: Fine
Answer: Finest

After sending the money, send all the details of the payment as stated below
direct to this email.

SENDER’S NAME:___________________
SENDER’S ADDRESS:________________
M.T.C.N NUMBER:__________________

Awaiting the payment details as soon as possible.

Yours in service,

Dr. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala
Finance Minister of Nigeria

April 6, 2013 Posted by | Africa, Crime, Financial Issues, Fund Raising, Lies, Scams | , | 3 Comments

FBI has My Money, oh NO!

LOL, from today’s spam, don’t you totally love it? If it were real, I would have to pay so much in taxes! Please, someone, mess with this scammer. Check out the grammar, punctuation and message:

Federal Bureau of Investigation Intelligence Field Unit
J. Edgar Hoover Building
935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C.

I am Special Agent Jason Gale from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Intelligence Unit, we Intercepted two consignment boxes at JFK Airport, New York, the boxes were scanned but found out that it contained large sum of money ($4.1 million) and also some backup documents which bears your name as the Beneficiary/Receiver of the money, Investigation carried out on the diplomat that accompanied the boxes into the United States, said that he was to deliver the fund to your residence as overdue payment owed to you by the Federal Government of Nigeria through the security company in the United Kingdom.

Meanwhile, we cross check all legal documents in the boxes but we found out that your consignment was lacking an important document and we cannot release the boxes to the diplomat until the document is found, right now we have no other choice than to confiscated your consignment.

According to Internal Revenue Code (IRC) in Title 26 also contain reporting requirement on a Form 8300, Report of Cash Payment Over $10,000 Received in a Trade or Business, money laundering activity may violate 18 USC §1956, 18 USC 1957, 18 USC 1960, and provision of Title 31, and 26 USC 6050I of the United States Code (USC), this section will discuss only those money laundering and currency violation under the jurisdiction of IRS, your consignment lacks proof of ownership certificate from the joint team of IRS and IRC, therefore you need to reply back immediately for direction on how to procure this certificate to enable us relieved the charge of evading the law on you, which is a punishable offense in the United States.

You are required to reply back within 72hours or you will be prosecuted in a court of law for money laundering, also you are instructed to desist from further contact with any bank(s) or person(s) in Nigeria or the United kingdom or any part of the world regarding your payment because your consignment has been confiscated by the Federal Bureau here in the United States.

Yours In Service,
Agent Jason Gale
Regional Deputy Director
Intelligence Field Unit

August 7, 2012 Posted by | Africa, Crime, Cultural, ExPat Life, Financial Issues, Scams | , | 8 Comments

Another Friend in Need

My friends ask my why I get so many of these. I don’t know why. 🙂

Hello My Dearest,

My Name is Miss Roselyn Kipkalya Kones, 24 Years Old Female and never married, I am writing this mail with tears and sorrow from my heart asking for your help at this time, I got your contact while searching for a trustworthy someone who will understand my present condition and come to my rescue here in the Mission Refuge Camp here in Burkina Faso. I have passed through pains and sorrowful moments since the death of my father.

My father was the Former Minister Kenyan road. And Assistant I Minister of Home Affairs Lorna Lobos had been on board the Cessna 210, Which Was headed to Kericho and crashed in a remote area Kalong’s called, in East Kenya. The plane crashed on the Tuesday 10th, June, 2008. You can read more about the crash-through the website below


After the burial of my father, my stepmother and uncle conspire and Sold my father’s property to an Italian Expert rate the shared Which Themselves Among the money and live nothing for me. One Faithful morning, I Open My father’s briefcase and found out the documents Which I Have huge amount of money deposited in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name As the next of kin. I Travelled to Burkina Faso with the documents to Withdraw the money for a Better Life So That I Can take care of myself and start a new life, on my arrival, the Bank Director Whom I met in person Told me that my father’s instruction to the bank Is That the money would only be release to me when I am married or present a trustee/Foreigner Who will help me and invest the money overseas. I am in search of honest and reliable person who will help me and stand as my trustee so That I will present him to the Bank for transfer of the money to His/her bank account overseas. I have chosen to contact you after my Prayers and I believe That You Will Not Betray my trust. I put my hope and my trust in you.

Though you may wonder why I am so soon Revealing myself to you Without Knowing You, well I will say That my mind convinces me that you May be the true person to help me. More so, I will like to disclose much to you if You Can helps me to relocate to your country because my stepmother Have assonate Threaten to kill me but God did not allow her to achieve her plans. The amount Deposited with my name is ($4.5 Million United State Dollars) and I Have Confirmed from the bank in Burkina Faso on my arrival,

You will also help me to place the money in a more profitable business venture in your Country. However, you will help by recommending a nice University in your country so That I can complete my studies. It is my intention to compensate you with 30% of the total money for your services and the balance shall be my capital in your establishment. As soon as I Receive Showing your positive response I will put your Interest Things into Action Immediately. In the light of the above, I will appreciate an Urgent message Indicating Your Ability and Willingness to handle this transaction sincerely with me.

Awaiting your Urgent response. Please do keep this only to your Self for now until the bank will transfer the Fund. I beg you Not to Disclose it till i come over because I am afraid of my wicked stepmother Who Threatened to kill me and Have the money alone, thank God Today That I am out from my country (KENYA) But now In (Burkina Faso ) These Where my father deposited money with my name as the next of Kin. I have the documents for the claims. Please find a place in your heart to read and understand my condition. Thanks and God bless.please reply through this email address (

Sincerely Yours,

Miss Roselyn Kipkalya.

May 20, 2012 Posted by | Lies, Scams | , | 2 Comments

Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani: I Do Not Come to You by Chance

This book, the first novel from Adaobi Tricia Nwaubani, is hilarious, with moments of pathos, and a fresh point of view. recommended it to me as I was busy buying books by author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie; I thought ‘OK, I’ll read a series of Nigerian books as part of my summer reading.

Young Kingsley Ibe is the family’s first born male, and with that status goes many privileges – and responsibilities. After graduating with a Masters in Chemical Engineering, he has no success in his search for a job with an oil company in Nigeria, and consequently loses the love of his life, Ola, to another who has secure employment.

Worse, his retired father has a stroke, and the family discovers that with all the fees required, they haven’t enough for his continued care, so Kingsley must approach his uncle, Boniface Mbamalu, more familiarly known as Cash Daddy, for funds to transfer his father to a long term care facility, and, later, for his father’s funeral.

Serious Kingsley’s eyes nearly pop as he sees the life his uncle is living, cars, women, designer watches, shoes, suits and all the trappings of new wealth. Soon, his uncle makes a convincing case for Kingsley coming to work for him, the better to help out his family of mother, brothers and sister, now that he is the senior male in the family.

Kingsley discovers he has a gift for the work – which is writing 419s, those scam letters which I frequently publish in this column. I loved being on the inside, learning how strong possibility e-mail addresses are netted, how response e-mails are massaged – not unlike fund raising techniques by charitable organizations in the US. Kingsley’s education helps him achieve enormous financial success in a very short time – but he finds that all the cash and designer goods in the word do not solve his problems nor make him happy.

I learned a lot about how successful many of these scammers are, and how the money made is spread throughout the Nigerian communities. The author takes a balanced view, balancing the way the cash makes life easier for people – a lot of people, because the rich man has many obligations to his community, balanced against the disgust, and sick fear felt by his religious mother and aunt, and his one time girlfriend, when they learn the work he is doing. They are disappointed that a man of such promise has sunk to making so much money in a dishonest way. The book also does not deal sympathetically with those who have given or lost money to the scammers, nor, in my opinion, does the ending satisfy.

This is one of the funniest parts of the book – a group of Nigerian scammers is about to meet with a representative of a major US investment firm. He thinks he will be meeting with the Nigerian Minister of Transportation to discuss building a new airport; the reality is that Cash Daddy, in disguise, will be pretending to be the minister. Kingsley protests that Cash Daddy looks nothing like the minister, and Cash Daddy responds:

“Let me tell you something . . . Me, I really like these oyibo people. They’re very very nice people. See how they came and showed us that the ground where we’ve been dancing Atilogwu has crude oil under it. If not for them, we might never have found out. But Kings,” he dragged in his dangling foot and sat up in the tub, “white man doesn’t understand black man’s face. Do you know tht I can give you my passport to travel with . . . Even if your nose is ten times bigger than my own, they won’t even notice?”

It was a fascinating book. I understand better now why 419 scams work. (419 is the section of the Nigerian criminal code making scam e-mails a crime; thus the crime is called ‘a 419’) There are some very funny and very insightful moments in the book. It is no where near the level of literature that you experience with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, but there is more humor, and the book shows a more modern day Nigeria. Not a bad summer read, but not great literature.

June 18, 2011 Posted by | Africa, Books, Character, Community, Crime, Cross Cultural, Cultural, Financial Issues, Fund Raising, Humor, Living Conditions, Scams, Work Related Issues | , , | 2 Comments

My Lucky Day

Woo Hooo on ME! Although I have never been in Nigeria, somehow someone there neglected to pay me my TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS! Yes! Yes! This is “online” with my dearest dreams! Someone wants to give me a lot of free money! Wooo HOOOO!

From: “Barrister Afred Mark”
Date: April 28, 2009 3:25:28 PM GMT+03:00




From the records of outstanding payment with the Federal Government of Nigeria, your name was discovered as next on the list of The outstanding beneficiaries who have not received their payments.

I wish to inform you that your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter. Also note that from my record in my file your outstanding payment is US$10.5, (Ten Million Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only)

Please re-confirm to me if this is Online with what you have in your record and also re-confirm to me the followings.

(1) Your full name.
(2) Phone, fax and mobile #.
3) company’s name,position and address.
4) profession, age and marital status.
5) Copy of int’l passport or any scanned identity to prove yourself.
As soon as this information are received, your payment will be made to
you in a certified bank draft from central bank of Nigeria and a copy
will be given to you for you to take to your bank and confirm it.


What? What? It’s a scam? Oh! Oh, say it isn’t so!

April 29, 2009 Posted by | Africa, Communication, Crime, Financial Issues | , , , | 2 Comments